THEY TOLD HER TO STOP HAVING SEX WITH ME!
Caio, my friend I’m dating a pretty woman which was my first girlfriend 19 years ago. In spite of the crooked ways we had been in, it’s been very good to be again with someone that grew mature and has many experiences to talk about. We have always had great sex; we complete each other. Religiously, she walked by so many worlds. Now, by the Grace of God, she is attending to an evangelical church. Everything was good. However, now she says that it is wrong for us to have sex. She still desires me but she is blocking our sexual life. She is avoiding even our passionate kisses because she knows that the kisses will open the way. As I love her a lot, I understand the situation but I confess that this has caused many conversations and even disagreements. As sometimes we sleep at each other’s house, it’s been difficult to sleep with someone we love and not be able to touch. This is driving me crazy mainly because our sexual activity was intense before all this. I have a very confused idea about this matter and spite of knowing that it is in the Bible, I don’t know what to say because I don’t agree with it. At the same time, I’m afraid to go against the Word of God, because I believe in Him but I’m not participating of any church right now. On the other hand, when I think about the many things she was involved with, very heavy ones, I don’t want to insist and make her deviate from seeking the Father at this moment. I don’t know what to do in this situation. What I do know is that desire increases every day. I’m lost and I don’t know which my attitude should be in this situation. A big hug with affection from your friend in Christ. __________________________________________________________________________ Answer: My dear friend: Peace and Serenity! Luther made the celibate vote. When he got converted to the Grace of God, he broke the vote and started having sex with his wife to be. One of his friends wrote to him asking to wait. Luther answered: so far I have not done anything else than wait. Now, I will no longer wait. When it’s possible I will get married but I won’t wait for ceremonies. Certain things can only be avoided before started, but once they get established, all attempts to stop them, if they are natural, become a disastrous and destructive action to the psychological structure. Sexual life is one these things, especially between a man and woman which are already a man a woman to each other for a long time. Your poor girlfriend is listening to a little piece of the Gospel (church in general teaches little “pieces of the Gospel”) and for this reason, she is submitting herself to the lack of common sense of pastors to whom it is easy to say “you can no longer have sex” while them – and they know what I know about them – would not follow their own advises if they were in the same situation. It is not possible for an experienced couple, sexually used to each other, just pretend that they are virgins and keep this artificial state as fruit of third party’s opinion. The outcome will be obvious. You will either break the relationship or will explode in desire and anger (you may end up doing what you don’t want). Or she can start a process of sexual denial now and explode later. Or yet: if you remain in this state, this might end the desire you have for each other and when the sexual liberation comes (liberation from the xiitas-pastors), you will be sexually blocked to each other. I have seen this many and many times. If I had had an intense sexual life with a woman who after getting converted tells me that a pastor told her that we could no longer go to bed together, I would probably burst into laughter when she said that sex “was forbidden “. That simply would not be possible! That simply would be a joke! The biblical concepts about this matter have been taken out from the context by the moralist scholars, as they have done with almost everything else. If we look this matter up in the Bible, according to the way it is studied by evangelicals, we are going to notice that it has no relevance at all. In the Bible, marriage was something simple, familiar, and straightforward and did not carry regulations beside the pact between the parties. Some “sociological evolution” in the marriage institution in happened in the Bible. But the “added values” were always deemed as “humans”. Adam and Eve were not less married because they did not have human testimonies for the ceremony, which was only a beautiful and surprising: Wow! She is the one! Isaac and Rebecca did not even wait for dinner time. When Isaac saw her in the field, brought by her father, he run to meet them and took Rebecca to his remount and carried her directly to” his mother’s tent” and “took her”. The wedding we have today – with all the rites and pomp, – is a plebian projection of the noble’s wedding. It is a prince and princess party, with trumpet, wreath, triumphal entrance, testimonies, kids, choirs and the “court” watching. In Jesus’ days the wedding ceremony was something familiar which happened by the testimony of the couple in the presence of their families. The “document” was not given to the bride and groom. There was only a “written document” in case of repudiation – the husband no longer wanted the wife – or Divorce – in case someone, almost every time the woman, being banished from the relationship as an adulterer. The document existed for the separation, not for the union. The union had the testimony of life, love and parents, which agreed with the wedding that was solemnly informal. Concerning sex, I have the following to say: Sex is always sin and is never sin. Sex is nothing and is everything. What makes sex sinful or sanctified, are the practitioners. Where there is love, there is never sex before marriage. Where there is love, Sex is marriage itself. If “there is” marriage but no love, then, sex is sinful. Therefore, sex “before or out of” marriage is sex where two have sex without love. But sex without love during “marriage” is also sinful. Sin is sex without marital love. Marriage is not something that happens from outside to inside. It only happens from inside to outside like any other thing that is important to God: it must come from the heart. ”Marriage” is like “baptism” – a visible symbol of an invisible reality, which comes before the symbol in order to be true. “Getting baptized” without being baptized by “faith in Christ”, is a meaningless rite – pure and silly religion! “Getting married” without the real marriage is the same thing. To God, they are the same. Only for men it is not a sin to get baptized in “the church” without being baptized in the Spirit, in an invisible and particular act. Marriage, however, received this stigma from religion. I believe that the interior truth must precede what we do as an exterior symbol. This way, sex is nothing and it is everything. It depends on who does it, on how one does it and with which attitude it is done. Without love, I gain nothing. Including sex! The impurity referred to in the Bible is not only sexual promiscuity. It can also be the sexual “use” without love, or for interest, even between “married couples” who have sex without love. In this case, the man goes to his wife for the sexual act and the wife just gives him what he is entitled to. For this reason there is much prostitution within “marriages”. Women who do not love and even feel repugnance towards their “husbands” but go to bed with them because of money or stability, etc. And husbands who “show up” or “use” the wife only to relieve the pressure. And the payback is mutual stability. And we are not talking about “parallel relationships”. That’s why many prostitutes will precede us in the Kingdom of God. They, at least, do not call “marriage” the street business and say immediately how much it costs and the time allowed. The Bible talks about dissolution. However, dissolution does not modify God. He does not get smaller or bigger at whatever I do with my life, and much less with my genitals. Dissolution is sin only because it harms men. It dilutes the being. It takes away the interior essence. And this is bad to those who practice it. God does not get diminished. And what is the harm produced by dissolution? Well, it dilutes the being, makes it pasty, viscous, and unable to experience any kind of dense love. That’s why the dissolute is not able to love or be faithful to anybody. Not to mention that the proliferation of sexual experiences does not make anybody experienced to life, to the bonding of a relationship. It only leaves the person with “thousand of memories” to compare, increasing his/her dissatisfaction with the partner, once he/she is always submitted to the fantasies from other times. For some, I am too advanced. For others, I am too old-fashioned. And what do I think, myself? Well, I don’t care! I know that what I say is true, according to the Spirit of the Word and according to what Jesus taught as being true before God. Sex is everything when there is love, but nothing without love. When two people love each other and are going to get married, the point is their conscience. Each one has its own conscience. And I’m not saying: go and have sex! Finally, everything that does not come from faith is sin. Not by itself, but by the practice without the conscience endorsement. This is the peace that arises from faith. I would have no problem. But I speak for myself. Some make distinction between day and day, between food and food. For me, all days are the same and by thanksgiving all food is sanctified. Sin is what God imputes (ascribes). And without faith nothing pleases God. And the faith has to be yours, not mine. This is my opinion, my friend. But the decision is up to you and your girlfriend. My affection and my prayers are with you! In Him, in whom life is simple. Caio Original Title: Ela se converteu e mandaram ela parar de transar comigo Translated by Sara Machado, Massachusetts Reviewed by Wanda de Melo www.caiofabio.com/cartas