SHE WHO SEEKS DOESN’T FIND...
----- Original Message -----
From: AQUELA QUE BUSCA NÃO ENCONTRA...
Sent: Thursday, January 18, 2007 6:55 AM
Subject: Vida afetiva… (About my dating life...)
Dear Pastor Caio,
I’m 32 years old; I am/have been single, and I was raised in the evangelical “religion”.
When I met my first boyfriend, who came to be my first man too, we used to go to the Central Church. The best thing at that time was that I never really got into “church” stuff.
On your site I read many letters from people who are or were kind of distressed by the “church”. Thank goodness, such wasn’t and isn’t the case with me.
Well, let me get to the point.
Our relationship was very troubled, full of fights, cheating on each other, and jealousy. One day I decided to look for a therapy in order to be freed from that unhealthy relationship, and after some time it was all over at last.
The poor guy felt miserable after we broke up. He started to do drugs, tried to kill himself, and some time later he got married to a woman who is ten years older than him.
After this relationship ended, I was never able to succeed in any other.
Every man who approached me was either married or committed, and had an ulterior motive. I was even involved with a married man for a year and three months. But eventually we broke up because he realized he and his wife still had a lot to “settle up”.
Quite often, I believed there was some “curse” on me. My parents’ marriage had failed. My family (an aunt, an uncle, a she-cousin etc) has many frustrations in this area, divorces…
The future frightens me a lot. I’m afraid of being more and more lonely, with no prospects of an improvement in this area.
In recent times, the married men have given me a break. When they were around, though, I could at least cheat loneliness a little…
Now my life is loneliness itself. It hurts, and I don’t know what else to think about it.
I’ve heard many would-be prophecies too. The nuttiest of them was when Pastor X “prayed” for me and said my sentimental life was “blocked”. To “unblock” it, I’d have to burn some pieces of paper he was writing on, wash myself with vinegar, drive a nail into some tree etc…
I was astonished! But after I read many of the “Reflections”, “Devotionals” and “Letters” [on this site], my doubts about all that witchcraft were gone.
So, beloved Pastor, I would like you to orient me in this.
As I said in a previous paragraph, I don’t know what else to think. I’m not a beautiful, very gifted woman, but I’m not ugly either.
I’ve already performed a thorough self-analysis, inwardly and outwardly, trying to find out what’s wrong with me. I’ve already asked God to take the blindfold off my eyes if there’s one. I’ve already done everything in my power.
The other day I read here your text “Mulheres Lindas e Frustadas e Homens sem Atrativo” (Beautiful and frustrated women and uninteresting nice guys” *). Wonderful! I was definitely very edified!
Well, I hope I’ve made myself clear. Thanks a lot for your attention.
A hug from an admirer,
Grace and Peace!
The only thing I saw in your letter was a huge waste of time, energy and real opportunities in your life.
You’re only 32, pretty and intelligent, and you make your own living. However, you have made no progress in your affective and relational life, as this is only possible in a steady relationship with one man, not playing around with several, whether they’re single or married.
So, what’s the scenario?
A 32-year-old woman (therefore still young) who spent the first part of her adult life living with and giving herself over to a man who, while with you, only came across many troubles and cheating—on both parts. In this way, your relationship was more painful to him than to you.
However, even being married to a woman who is ten years older than he is—which you included on the list of bad things that happened to the “poor guy”—he is living his life, and you ended up becoming the “poor girl” in the story.
In Portuguese, the word we employ to describe someone as a “poor guy” (which you used) is “coitado”, which originally referred to someone who was forced to have a coitus (a sexual intercourse). Therefore, here, he is not the “poor guy”—the “coitado”.
When a series of people come into our lives but never stay, mind you: Most likely, something is wrong with us. And such things aren’t a result of “curses” around/outside of us. They come from curses that are shaped by we ourselves, our way of living, the paths we follow, the choices we make, and, above all, the curse of the person into whom who we subtly, gradually turn…
Therefore, your problem is yourself, not life. Your parents may have given you a bad legacy, but only in terms of family culture and psychological culture. Let me explain it:
Quite often, the materials we’re made up of have never been checked out by us, because we think that they’re inborn, and, therefore, a part of ourselves—like an arm, a leg or an eye.
In fact, they eventually become a part of us, but they’re not what God calls “me” in myself.
Jesus was referring to such things when He said that we should cut off of us everything that worked against our real selves:
If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. 1
Therefore, I believe that much of what does harm to you today is within you. A good deal of it is family inheritance, both from the way you were raised and from your living with them—your parents and your family as a whole.
Therefore, no matter how painful it is, identify the evil things from them in your life, your feelings, your anger explosions, your mood, your whims, your expectations, values and meanings.
Yes—this is the devil that nobody wants to see!
I wish such things were curable in one “curse breaking meeting”—not every day as they do, creating the curse of people’s dependency to them, but once and for all. But it’s impossible…
Healing, however, can even happen in a moment, in a wink, although it’s usually a lifelong process. Yet it no longer hurts or brings about suffering. But it will only be this way if the individual looks truthfully at himself/herself and discerns his/her own inner constitution, which designs each person’s way. Because we are as our being is.
Back to you:
Have you ever wonder about the true reason that drove your ex-boyfriend crazy while he was with you whereas, apparently, he managed to settle down with the older woman?
Have you ever stopped to think about your emotional and affective immaturity?
Have you ever wondered if living and being with you is something easy for a man?
Are you complicated even though you’re gifted?
Do you have any desires that cannot be thwarted?
Are you the kind of person who gets increasingly uninteresting in the course of a relationship?
As you can see, I want to help you, not pamper you with illusions.
You said that the married men stopped wooing you, and closed by saying that this at least helped you to amuse yourself and not to feel bored. Now, however, even they are gone…
Not in possession of the facts, but just out of feeling, this is what I can say:
You’re the one who runs the show; you have strong whims; you’re easily frustrated; you think men must live solely for you. Possibly you’re also too sticky and too demanding in your relationships, and you always want to be loved first rather than give love.
In short, your emotional need (or love need) is so great and your self-deceit is so subtle that you can’t perceive yourself. Then you transfer your inner problems to the outside, provided it’s not a devil with too many witchcrafts…
Assuming that, on the average, people begin to consider getting married at around age 25, and taking in account that you’re only 32, what I see is wasted time. In fact, about seven years were wasted. However, as I said at the beginning, this isn’t a problem, because you’re still very young.
However, your “I am/have been single” drew my attention. Yes—because you‘re denying living as you live, so you changed the absolute “I am single” into a relative “I am/have been single”—typical of the one who is ashamed of the single status.
But you’ve always been single. You never got married. All the relationships you had, even the ones with married men, meant nothing but sex bonds, or, at best, passions of desire—nothing beyond that.
Therefore, acknowledge that you are single.
Get your soul rid of the fixation concerning finding someone, because such being the case, she who seeks doesn’t find; she who knocks only finds monsters behind the door; she who asks only gets a tip.
So, try to live at peace, without the affliction of having to have someone, without fearing the future and without anxieties—for the one who doesn’t live this way scares off whoever comes closer!
I suppose that your energy is unconsciously “sticky”. This makes the married men afraid of being locked behind an emotional jail door, with a potential “fatal attraction”, and makes the single men “feel” you and be afraid of having to make a decision regarding marriage even before getting to know you.
The woman who wants to marry usually remains single!
The woman whose marriage is good is usually very easy-going, sweet and discreet, even if she’s beautiful, and never tries to seduce.
The seducing woman seduces a lot and gains nothing.
The woman whose marriage is good is usually the one who doesn’t seek, doesn’t ask and doesn’t knock on the door.
The tasty woman is “tasted”, but never feels fed; is “tried”, but never proves anything; has many stories to tell, but makes history with no one.
The wishful woman is continuously frustrated.
The whimsical woman gets so snowed under with her own whims that her partner ends up saying, “I’ve already had and taken all I wanted from her. From now on it’s boredom only. Enough!”
Therefore, dear friend, instead of spilling vinegar somewhere, instead of tearing this letter into pieces, instead of driving a nail into some tree, do a check on your soul for vinegar, check if you’ve been unconsciously tearing letters of life and love, and check if you’ve become a nail that fixes people in yourself instead of loving them.
Think about what I’m saying to you—it would’ve been much easier for me to say nothing at all. But, God knows, by saying all I said, I intended to help you as a father helps his daughter—after all, my oldest son is only 1 year younger than you.
My affection goes to you. If you can, come to the meetings at O Caminho da Graça.
In Him, in Whom everything must be in spirit and in truth,
From the original: “AQUELA QUE BUSCA NÃO ENCONTRA”
Translated by F. R. Castelo Branco | May 2007
* Not available in English yet.
1 Matthew 5:29-30