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SEEKING ADVICE, I ENDED UP HAVING A “VIRTUAL” EROTIC AFFAIR

SEEKING ADVICE, I ENDED UP HAVING A “VIRTUAL” EROTIC AFFAIR

----- Original Message -----
From: FUI PEDIR UM CONSELHO E ACABEI TENDO UM CASO ERÓTICO-VIRTUAL
To: contato@caiofabio.com
Sent: Monday, June 05, 2006 8:25 PM
Subject: Desesperada, Ele vai embora! (I’m desperate: He’s going away!)
 
 
 
Dear Pastor Caio,
 
The Lord’s peace on you.
 
I’m awfully despaired. I did something terrible. I sinned against the heavens and everybody. I know I’m the worst woman of all and don’t deserve forgiveness, but I need help.
 
Please tell me what to do. I only have wrong thoughts. I even think of…dying, maybe…but I do want to live.
 
Pastor, my husband wants to run out on me because I did something very harmful to him. But inwardly, I’m not such a horrible woman. I’m a loving, romantic, and, now, unhappy woman. I’ve always been very cheerful, always sharing my joy with others. My mother uses to say I’m a “little clown” because I love to cheer up those around me with my jokes, my laughter…
 
In my marriage it’s no different: I’ve always wanted to make my husband happy. I think I managed to do it even though he is the complete opposite of me. We have quite different outlooks on life. I’ve always been very sensitive; I put emotion into everything I do. He is reason itself: Always withdrawn, even with me; never willing to talk about our relationship; never saying if some need was unmet; never wanting to go out with me unless he had a lot of money on him—whereas, in fact, I simply wanted to go out, even if it was for a bus ride… I just wanted him to take me to watch the sea or walk in a square. We didn’t have to eat out; a stroll together would do, but he never agreed!
 
At home he was always very serious. When I made a joke he was carried away; otherwise, he’d sit at the computer and work far into the night while I kept waiting for him in bed. I know this doesn’t justify my mistake, but the fact is that we got out of touch with each other in our own home.
 
Pastor, I love being caressed; I love hearing him say he loves me. But I don’t think you should only be caressed in bed.
 
He always allowed me to go wherever I wanted. He just didn’t care. If I was late, he just let it be. I even thought he didn’t love me as he was never jealous of me. This disturbed me because actually I wanted him to be there with me.
 
At church, when someone approached me with, say, a suggestive joke, I wanted my husband to be there and impose himself, saying I was his wife, or, at least, hugging me so the other person could take the hint, but he never cared about it. He said it was because he trusted me, but how I wanted him to do such little things that make us feel happy!
 
Pastor, I’m thirty years old and he’s thirty-four. We’ve been married for eight years. We’ve had a good relationship, with few quarrels. The ones we had were about trifles, my jealousy (I’m very jealous), and then he wouldn’t talk to me for days. He’s very proud and stubborn. Then I was the one who had to give in. I humbled myself and cried, but it didn’t help much: He said that the more I cried, the more his anger grew—and I cried even more, because I’m a “hothouse creature”; I cry for nothing.
 
His words hurt me deep inside, especially because whenever this happened, he said he was going to leave. Then I’d get really desperate. One day I even knelt at his feet, begging him not to go. In fact, I did that on three different occasions. On the fourth, I said he was free to go because I couldn’t stand that anymore. But, thank goodness, he stayed, and even came to see me at my workplace. Oh, Pastor! I was so touched! I rushed into his arms, and we went home and made love as never before. But those things kept happening.
 
Pastor, my husband is quite a man. He’s always wanted to provide me with the best. Aside from what I described above, he’s fantastic.
 
But as I was so distressed because of that, I decided to talk to a deacon in my church about some of these things. That was a mistake. Although he gave me good advice, he also said what every woman wishes to hear: Beautiful, sweet words in my ear—and I reciprocated.
 
Then we started an over-the-phone affair that lasted for six months or so. In this period, we didn’t only talk about sex, but also about the church and several other subjects. We even discussed some Bible matters I had questions about. Last month he created a Hotmail account and we chatted three times through the MSN while I was at work. The problem is that my husband works there too, and the “history” was saved to a folder I didn’t know of. But my husband found it and read those chats that were quite “hot”, and now he doesn’t want to stay with me anymore…
 
The deacon is a very close friend of my husband’s, so he said he was cheated twofold. He doesn’t believe things didn’t go beyond conversations and chatting. He says I slept with the deacon, but I didn’t. All we had was nothing but conversations. But he said he’s leaving home. He’s already told my parents about it. But I can’t live without him; I won’t be able to!
 
I’ve already asked for forgiveness and begged him to stay. And the more I cry, the angrier he gets. But I just can’t help it!
 
Pastor, I’m desperate. Help me, please! I know I made a mistake, but I need him to believe me. I can’t lose him! If he goes away, I know he won’t come back. He’ll get involved with some other woman and won’t return.
 
For two times he had set up a date to leave, but things didn’t go right and he stayed. But he said I’ll have to respect his decision not to wear his wedding ring anymore as he doesn’t feel he still has any commitment to me as a husband… therefore, if I want to, I’m free to take off my wedding ring as well, and I won’t be under any obligation to him either…
 
But I can’t live like this. It’s true that he’s at home, but I never know what he’s doing. He put a password on his cell phone so that I can’t have access to it.
 
I love him, and this situation hurts me. I know he’s deeply hurt, and is grieving too. I know I broke his heart, but I’ve repented and I want to save our marriage. I’ve prayed, sought God… But my husband keeps inflexible, unbending. Our sex relations became more intense, but sex won’t save my marriage.
 
We don’t have children. I was pregnant once; I was going to have identical twins. But in the eighth month I lost my two girls. I nearly died. I was taken to a heart clinic and was put in the Intensive Care Unit, but God saved me. However, I don’t understand. God knows our future; why did I do that? He permitted me to do what I did, pastor. But why?
 
That cheerful girl is gone… I’m sadness itself now. I can’t laugh anymore, because I know I’m to blame and I’m paying dearly because of my sin. The law of sowing and reaping… I’m aware of it.
 
Pastor Caio, how I wish I could save my marriage. I love my husband, but I can’t see a way out. I don’t want to give up, but the struggles have been too hard. He will never forget what I did, especially because he believes that much more happened.
 
Please help me! Tell me what to do! I’m totally mixed up…
 
Excuse me for being so long.
 
 
Your friend in Christ,
 
__________________________________________
 
 
Reply:
 
Dear friend,
 
 
Grace and Peace!
 
 
In fact, “deep calls to deep”, always!
 
A woman who is in love but is overflowing an emotional need—it’s how you are now—is very likely to end up doing harm to herself.
 
Yes, because for a wife who loves her husband, your shift from the first state to the second—from a woman seeking advice to a woman erotically excited with the deacon on the phone—was too fast. As I see it, only a gigantic emotional need can explain such a huge and sudden change in a woman who says she loves her husband.
 
An emotional need that isn’t self-conscious is tragic, because it leads you to the psychological place of “transferences” and “projections”. In your case, you transferred and projected onto the deacon your desires and dreams originally related to your husband.
 
As you were frustrated and had a great love need, the deacon’s advice sounded as if they’d come from your husband’s mouth, and you were involved in the game of “masturbating your heart”!
 
Obviously, your husband may want to break up. Besides, he may even “use” this to get out of a marriage which he had already threatened to give up three times.
 
What to do?
 
There’s nothing to do! In a situation like this, you can only pray and show what can’t be hidden when is genuine: true repentance.
 
As for the rest, it’s not in your power anymore.
 
Please don’t try to justify yourself to your husband. Simply tell him the plain truth. For if the truth doesn’t convince him, what else will?
 
In fact, sex itself can’t save a marriage. But it helps a lot, especially when it comes to giving a man assurance. In general, sex and desire are languages that men understand better than any other!
 
After what happened, he’ll probably never see your “outgoingness” as a good thing again. Yes—if he didn’t like your “outgoing, cheerful way” before, let alone now.
 
Therefore, show him true love, don’t justify yourself, let him see your repentance, be more discreet, and don’t stop making love to him—you yourself should prompt it also. These are the best things to do now.
 
As for the rest, dear friend, neither of us know.
 
This should be a time of hopeful expectation. We can’t go any farther now!
 
However, if he decides that you have a chance together, he’ll have to forgive you. Without forgiveness, his reminders and accusations will torment you to an unbearable point.
 
I am sorry, with all my heart!
 
We all ought to know that lies have short wings, but the devil flies them with his long wings so that they’re seen!
 
Read this site. I noticed you wrote me on the impulse of despair but without much understanding about what lies behind all of it. Read the site, especially the letters, and you will begin to understand more clearly what is happening to you and to him as well.
 
As for the rest, let’s hope that God operates in his heart, and in yours too. Meanwhile, only do what I suggested above.
 
Now it’s time to show calmness and serenity. He needs to see a serious, matured repentance in you. The story of the “cheerful girl” has ended. Welcome to real adult life. Now it’s time for you to quit playing the “little clown” and the girl in love need. Everything has its consequences. And it’s no use trying to explain later, as you know out of your own experience now.
 
Count on me!
 
Write me again and let me know how things are getting along, whether for the better or for the worse. All the same, I’ll be here.
 
Ah, don’t put on a show, crying and crying, because this may cause him to withdraw even more from you. That’s why everything needs to be done so seriously. Moreover, you’ll have to give him some time. Nobody recovers overnight from such a blow! Therefore, be patient and sober.
 
In Him, to Whom we are continuously flagrant,
 
 
Caio
 
_________________________________________
 
From the original: “FUI PEDIR UM CONSELHO E ACABEI TENDO UM CASO ERÓTICO-VIRTUAL”
Translated by F. R. Castelo Branco | May 2007