MY FRIEND IS IN LOVE. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HER? Rev. Caio Fabio Envie a amigos que só falam inglês ENGLISH VERSION MY FRIEND IS IN LOVE. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HER? Rev. Caio Fabio Título Original em Português: From: O QUE EU DIGO A MINHA AMIGA APAIXONADA? Sent: saturday, December 27th, 2003 12:57 To: contato@caiofabio.com Subject: A FRIEND SHOULD REMAIN SILENT? Hi, Caio! How are you doing? I am not the type of person who writes letters. I simply come here and always delight myself. Thank God my problem is not a big one. Only tiny silly things.... I guess I can handle. I am writing to you because of a friend. She is my best friend ever since I was a girl. She is a sincere good woman. But she is deeply in love with a guy. It seems to be one of those conditions... The individual got married after meeting her and after having "hot stuff" with her for years and years. He says he loves her but that he can’t move backwards. He has children and he doesn’t want trouble. I know that he desires her, at least. As to my friend, desire is even stronger. It is a pity to see her suffering for something futureless. She loves him and would like to marry him, of course. She has tried hard to leave him but she can’t tolerate separation. He shows up and she capitulates. Now she has given up waiting, but she can’t help loving him. Can you believe that they have been in this "thing" for more than twenty years? In fact, I guess that they’ve been having “this thing” for 25 years. Sometimes I get mad at him. I feel sorry for her. I feel like demoralizing him. But I have nothing to do with it. She is all by herself and doesn’t flirt around. Do you think I should tell her that this guy is somehow hurtful to her? She seems to be getting used to having nothing but "what she has with him". She frequently suffers a lot. She suffers pretty much... I mean: a lot. What should I do? I can’t bear seeing her alone at Christmas time and at other holidays as well. Why do these things happen? Is it sickness of hers? of his? Or is there a real thing which they can’t solve? I can’t say... Please, say something to me. Hugs, ____________________________________________________________ Reply: My dear friend’s friend: Peace and Good! There is a saying: Ain't no pot so crooked, you can't find a lid to fit. And I believe so. The problem is that there are more lids than pots. And that is the reason why these things keep happening so often. In this case, the man is the pot, your friend is the lid. He has already found his lid and it seems that he has put on a suitable one. But He can’t forget his usual lid. Stating that your friend is sick is to deny the possibility that someone may love despite circumstances. I myself, prefer not to say that. After all, great love and universal love stories are usually tragic stories, and they happen within the arena of the "despite all". Of course I would do anything to help this person overpass this situation. However, as it is almost silver wedding anniversary of an extra marital affair with love liaison, there aren’t formulas to be offered. Personally, I think that after telling what must be told, one should remain in silent. Insisting on the theme will make you lose your friend. She seems to need a friend like you, pretty much. Just consider that she knows her feelings and that she has evaluated this situation thousands of time. So, be her friend. If she doesn’t bring this matter up, don’t mention it to her any further. Just pray for her. I do not believe that she is in this situation for being mean. She is a good person. Besides that, as her relationship is older than the guy’s marriage itself, he may have a feeling of legitimacy. More legitimacy with her than with his own wife. The fact is that there are thousands of situations like this. And they happen for all kinds of reasons: some are completely immoral, others are not. In fact, if it were a friend of mine, I would only pray for him/her and try to protect him/her with care. After being advised, if there is no stepping back, the best thing to do is to go along with discretion and prayer. The situation is fully unfair and misfortunate. Anyway, is it worthwhile to keep repeating what she already knows? Ask God to pacify her heart. If it is love, it won’t end but change. Nevertheless, only God knows how to take this trip inside human heart. So, let God take care of her. If she asks your opinion, say what you think once more. If she doesn’t ask, don t mention anything further. By trying to help we end up disturbing. Maybe she only needs peace to calm down... Only the pacification of the heart is able to take off pain provoked by suffering from an impossible love relationship (at human’s eyes). Prayer! Prayer! Prayer! We step into other people’s lives because we don’t believe in God. When we start believing in the real God, we no longer step into their lives, we step into prayer. Prayer, however, is not to be transformed into a speech to the person who is object of our prayer. That’s what I think and what I would do, in such a situation, if it were a friend of mine. It is worthless to accuse, to judge, to chat about or whatever. By the way, the more I chat about the other, the more love is strengthened in the other’s heart. And it happens because the person in love will always defend the beloved one, even suffering. And exactly for defending the object of love, love grows in the heart. Pray for your friend but don’t do anything. Furthermore, treat you friend with all respect and dignity. After all, she seems to be in this situation only because of love, as ambiguous as it may sound. A powerful form of love. It is a pity that such love stories, almost always, are impossible. We, however, don’t have the power to organize love constraints, which sometimes happen within ties of contradictions and inadequate situations. In short: be her friend in such a way that your opinions will not oppress her. Pray, be her fellow and be confident. After all, God is your friend’s God and loves her more than you do. Receive my hugs and affection for the way you have been your friend’s friend. She lives a hell of pain, despite being herself a daughter of God’s mercy. In HIM: In whom all secrets of the heart are understood. Caio Traduzido por Wanda de Melo